There’s Alien poo in our toilet…


When I was 18 or so I worked in our village pub and I saw the chef jokingly, turn his eaten boiled egg upside down and tap on it as if it were a fresh boiled egg. I immediately blurted out ‘don’t do that, you’ll get warts!!!’ He looked at me; in fact everyone in the kitchen looked at me and said a confused ‘Pardon?’ I was young, naïve and now very embarrassed as I tried to explain that my Nan had told me for years that if you turn your egg upside-down and tap on it that you would get warts. As I said this for a second time and actually listened to what I was saying, I realised this was utter nonsense. Why the heck had my grandmother told me that? I was the butt of the joke for quite some time after that, people sniggered to each other and said ‘did you hear what Emma said last week?’

I should have known better really as this wasn’t the first time it had happened. I was with friends when I was much younger and we were talking about my bedroom and how, when we had a window moved, there were a few holes in my wall and that I had to put sellotape on the holes to keep the cheeselogs out. Again, a similar thing happened as my friends said –what the heck is a cheeselog? I explained, a little too confidently, that they were the oval things that looked like they were made from armour that rolled up in a ball when they were under attack. My friends said, ‘what, do you mean woodlice?’ Again I was the laughing stock, everyone had heard about what I called woodlice but then then, one day, I was explaining it all to a lovely friend of mine and he said ‘What, do you mean jimmy’s? And suddenly I didn’t feel so daft anymore; quite obviously they weren’t called a stupid name like Jimmy’s!

I was in a garden centre last week with the boys and Henry suddenly said, ‘Mummy, where did I come from?’ I replied, ‘we found you under the fridge’. Henry looked a little confused and said, ‘are you sure? Where did Toby come from?’ I said’ oh, he was under the cooker, that’s why he’s smaller; the gap under the cooker is smaller than the gap under the fridge…’ Ollie coughed into his sandwich and said ‘well, clearly that’s not true…’ Okay. I had been had. It clearly wasn’t true but I really didn’t want to have the conversation about the birds and the bees in a garden centre café with 2 smirking people on another table obviously leaning in to see what I’d say. This wasn’t how I’d pictured it, having the sex talk over a cheese sandwich…

I suppose I just told a harmless white lie to put off having a conversation I wasn’t ready to have. It’s not that I won’t ever be ready or that I don’t want to have those difficult conversations but I just didn’t think it would happen so soon, that I had a few more years to think about what to say, when to say it etc. I honestly hadn’t thought of the best reply so I lied. Henry did look at me sideways as if to say ‘I don’t believe you –did I really come from under the fridge?’ But he didn’t say anymore.

Sometimes you tell them white lies though because it’s a silly thing you’re talking about. I had just bought a new loo freshener and Henry asked what the green thing in the loo was and I said ‘An Alien knocked on the door and needed the loo so I let him in, did he not flush???’ Henry laughed his head off and ran to get Ollie to look at the Alien poo. He later went into the bathroom and found a green gel like circle in that loo too and shouted down the stairs ‘MUMMY!!! THE ALIEN HAS POOED IN THE BATHROOM TOILET TOO!!!’ I just said ‘how rude, I shan’t be letting him in again…’

Ollie doesn’t believe my white lies anymore. He knows I tell him tall stories occasionally when the fancy takes me. When he’s older I may tell him that I was always rubbish at writing stories (non-fiction a doddle though) I can’t remember jokes let alone tell them but pulling my children’s leg and telling them off the wall things seems to be my speciality. He may raise his eyes and tut when I tell Toby about the people that live under the sofa (don’t jump on your sofa, you may squash them) or the puddle suckers who come and suck all the puddles up at night (did you really believe what your science teacher said about the ground absorbing it??) Maybe that’s what child hood memories are made of, family myths about warts from eggshells and naming creatures using joke names to see if your children believe you. Mind you, you should come clean sometime. Shouldn’t you? I have made a mental note to definitely have that birds and bees talk before any of the boys bring their first girlfriends home as I wouldn’t want them asking which piece of kitchen electrical equipment were they found under…


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About littlewhitecottage

Tales from a contemporay cottage.
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3 Responses to There’s Alien poo in our toilet…

  1. Claire Keen says:

    Love this blog so much,the alien poo is such a funny story and one for you to look back on and laugh at for years and years 🙂 x

  2. renshens says:

    I am really enjoying your blog, thank you for sharing your funny alien poo story.
    ren
    x

  3. Wendy x says:

    As soon as I found you on facebook I remembered your cheeselog story – SO pleased it is on here!!! Will have to remember the one about the people who live under the sofa! My girls would love that…. *Loving* reading your blog :0) xxx

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