Driving back from Manchester at the weekend it was a long boring journey. The children were tired after a weekend at Grandma’s but happy to have the treat of the DVD player on that only comes with long journeys. They were watching ‘Cats and Dogs’ and, ironically, it was also raining cats and dogs outside…
We’d had the ‘I’m hungry’, ‘I’m tired’ and I’m bored’. So it wasn’t a surprise that we then had the ‘I need a wee!’ Our boys have always been great in the car. A few accidents but we never carried a potty around as we felt that didn’t reflect reality as we didn’t stop on the side of the motorway and get the adult potty out so we shouldn’t with little ones. We have, of course, pulled over in a complete emergency but only if the next exit is miles away.
So when Henry wailed ‘I need a wee!!’ Hubbie and I looked at each other; we were a few miles away from the next exit but we said ‘we’re not far, can you hold on?’ He said he could and that was that for a while. We noticed the traffic getting heavier and the hard shoulder was then signalled overhead to be used to ease the flow of the traffic. Henry wailed again ‘I need a WEE!’ Hubbie and I began to look a little worried. We now couldn’t stop even if we wanted too.
Henry then wriggled and shouted ‘I NEEEEED A WEEEEE!’ and then hubbie suddenly perked up and had one of his ‘great’ ideas. ‘I know…’ he said ‘I’ve got a bottle, he can wee in that.’ I said ‘Absolutely no way!’ to which hubbie replied ‘well what’s your suggestion then???’ Henry was clearly uncomfortable so I said okay. Hubbie found a bottle, Henry (who is game for anything) then weed the most enormous amount of wee into the bottle.
I was mortified but Henry was relieved to be relieved. Hubbie, who has always been a little too ‘sciencey’ for my liking sometimes, then tried to show me the huge amount Henry had just weed into the bottle much to my a) disgust and b) ignorance of my horrified face. Hubbie was clearly proud of the amount of wee and said ‘wow! Now that’s a big wee!’ This is clearly one of those situations we would recount to friends over dinner for many years to come.
I said, ‘well what are you going to do with it now??’ and hubbie said in a really condescending tone ‘Throw it out of the window of course…’ (The wee not the bottle). I said ‘don’t get the side of the car and make sure you don’t get another car (could you imagine that happening I was hoping a convertible with the roof down wasn’t just coming up on the inside!). He didn’t on both accounts and wound the window up when he’d finished.
Henry, who’d just witnessed his parents behaving strangely then said ‘Where’s my wee gone?’ in a very accusatory tone. Hubbie explained that he’d just thrown it out of the car (Oliver said ‘eugh rank!’) and Henry was most upset. ‘Is it on the road Daddy?’ and then we had to explain that it was okay as cars would have driven over it and it would have disappeared and that’s great and wonderful.
Silence in the car.
I said ‘Oh my gosh, you do realise that Henry is going to tell his teacher about this on Tuesday!!!!!’ I can just imagine the teacher calling me over with a smirk on her face as she says ‘can I just have a quick word..?’ I’ve had this sort of thing before as with Ollie hubbie thought it okay to stop the car (fine so far) when Ollie needed a wee on journey. They got out of the car (still fine) but then hubbie proceeded to tell Ollie to wee on the hot tyres as then you can make steam!! Ollie thought this fab and told all and sundry about his amazing discovery. His teacher found this fantastically funny when Ollie told her but what made her really laugh was Ollie apparently telling her that is was fine because ‘Daddy did it too!’ To say I was a little embarrassed was a bit of an understatement. To then try and convince a teacher that your husband doesn’t really wee on hot tyres to create steam seemed only to confirm that he did and whilst I was saying all this out loud I did have a sneaking suspicion that with him being all ‘sciencey’ he probably…actually…had….
I have never learned that brilliant skill of when you’re in a hole you should stop digging.
So I wait until Tuesday evening to see whether I have another ‘little chat’ with a teacher where I have to confirm that the absolutely ludicrous thing my child has been telling everyone that no-one else would ever dream of doing is actually true. This time I can’t even defend hubbie that he hadn’t weed in a bottle too as I jokingly said ‘well, at least we know that there’s a limit to what age you can wee in a bottle as your bits and bobs won’t fit. Hubbie, a little too happily said ‘oh no, it’s fine, you just have to get your aim right! I can’t claim ignorance to hubbie’ s exploits and School will now think we’re a family of ‘weeers in inappropriate places’ and really that would be true. So the thing I’ve learned from all of this is; if hubbie were to ever offer you a bottle of apple juice from his car, I would politely decline and say no…!