I loved you first…


One day I will sit you down and tell you just how amazing you are and you will accept this, not blush this time and we will just hug. It’ll be one of those hugs where I will breathe every ounce of you and try to lock away the smell and feelings so when you are gone I will have memories. You are amazing and I loved you first.

Our journey wasn’t an easy one. It was difficult but I tried, oh God how I tried. I was broken and I couldn’t give my all to you. I stood in the doorway wanting to go to you but I couldn’t and I know I will never get the chance to go back, to do things differently, to walk across the room and show you how much I loved you. To look you in the eye was painful and I am crying as I write this even now. You are wonderful and I loved you first.

I remember the exact moment when I first loved you and I treasure that. It was like a rush of warmth to my heart and it was then that I became the lioness. I would have fought to the death for you and bear many battle scars now from all the times I have pushed myself forward for you, to fight your corner; to make you heard. You are beautiful and I loved you first.

We will grow together and I will see the man you will become. Your shoulders will be strong and I will be proud. You will make your way in the world and, perhaps, leave me behind but there will always be a home for you with me no matter how distant your boyhood seems. Time will accelerate for me and I will reminisce but you will humour me and sometimes, just sometimes I will still catch glimpse of the boy you once were. You will have changed beyond recognition but I will still have loved you first.

But you will slip away from me to another just as it should be. I will be in the shadows and they will be in your spotlight. Your heart will be broken and I, the lioness, will protect you but you will find that someone who lights your heart, makes you feel complete, makes you love. They must take the stage with you and you will plan your lives. Many will love you, you are magnificent but I loved you first.

I can claim the right as the selfish mother to love you first but I have to let go. I will help you over the coming years to become the man you will be and I will claim that as my greatest achievement. Your eyes, the deepest brown will look out onto the world with enthusiasm ready to start your journey. You say now you’ll never leave me and I soothingly say that you will and that you should and you won’t be able to wait to get started but you just can’t see that now.

I hope to see you as a father with you happy and settled with your partner and perhaps, I will see your little one and rush to them as I didn’t to you. I will look deep into their eyes and search for you; will I see the baby I once had? I will rock them, sooth them and sing to them as I never did with you. I will hand them back to their mother who will look at them with longing, satisfied eyes and see I will now that I will have done my job.

You are my son. There is no way to measure the enormity of my love it is shown in many different ways. In clean clothes, in new shoes, in glances back at the school gate when you see me and smile. In hugs where I feel lost in you and I never want to let go. When will that final cuddle be? Will I know it? Will you..?

I loved you first but not the longest and I will not love you last. But I still have tomorrow and the sun will shine and I will hear your laughter and you will run into the house from the garden like the whirlwind you are and your echo will live on for many years after you’ve left. If I walk round the corner quickly, I may just catch you there as the shadows dance in the evening light. Always remember my beautiful I loved you first…

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About littlewhitecottage

Emma is a qualified teacher with 14 years of teaching in many different settings. From teaching adults and children at a music school to choosing to work in a demanding primary school that was failing (which meant moving from an outstanding school – her colleagues were aghast!) to running her own sewing business for the last 5 ½ years teaching all ages how to sew: Emma loves to teach.
This entry was posted in About our home, Family, Read about me, The random thoughts of me, Uncategorized. Bookmark the permalink.

17 Responses to I loved you first…

  1. Beautiful and yes tears.

  2. Ange says:

    So true! really lovely. funny how we let things slip ova our heads and dont fight our hardest for our own corner, but when it involves one of ur kids, the lioness comes from within. x

  3. Corrie says:

    That is really beautiful. You have a great gift for writing.

  4. Mel says:

    This made me cry. I have a son, but I will never stand in the corner and watch him, I am every bit the lioness, I have battle scars, I fight his corner. He has left me behind, but my heart is forever his home.He is my son. There is no way to measure the enormity of my love it is shown in many different ways. In every word I write, in every photo that I share, in every penny I raise, in every parent I help.

    I will never know the colour of his eyes, I will never see him become a father, I will never see my baby son in his babies. I see him every day in his sister.

    “I loved you first but not the longest and I will not love you last. But I still have tomorrow and the sun will shine and I will hear your laughter and you will run into the house from the garden like the whirlwind you are and your echo will live on for many years after you’ve left. If I walk round the corner quickly, I may just catch you there as the shadows dance in the evening light. Always remember my beautiful I loved you first…”

    I could have written this last paragraph. Its this part that truly brings the tears. I pray that you never have a last hug with your son.

    This month is pregnancy and baby loss awareness month, my heart is with my son. Thank your for your words, and your reminder that a mothers love spans distance, time, and death.

    • Mel, thank you so much for your comment xx You have moved me to tears again. I cannot begin to understand your loss but you have made me realise that love really does span all those things you said. I believe that I will see again those that I have lost and I hope you meet up with your son again..

  5. Maxine Tromeur says:

    OMG…you’ve turned me into a blubbering wreck!
    I have 2 son’s 18yrs and 16yrs and the part where you say sometimes, just sometimes I will catch a glimpse of the boy you once were, I do that all the time.
    I love it Emma, what talent you have!

    Thank you

  6. Mine Gunduz says:

    Truly beautiful Emma….

  7. thank goodness the tissues are by my PC! such moving and perfectly written words as ever.

  8. Wendy Bilton says:

    Yet another inspiring blog by Emma which means so much to us all.

    You are an amazing person with a gift for writing. You should write a book of your blogs!!!!!!!

    Thank you
    Wendy xx

  9. Kimberly says:

    I am almost speechless, I have been following your blog for months through your facebook.
    You have brought huge smiles to my face, you have made me cry and you have made me laugh out loud.
    Your writing is so special, there are so few people who have the gift to bring one of those emotions to a person so to be able to bring out all of those emotions is just amazing! All I really want to say is thank you Emma, you have made me think about things in a way I never have before.

    • Kimberly that is one of the most amazing things I have ever read…
      I have printed out your coment and when I’m having a bad day or things just aren’t going right I can read what you’re written. Thank you so much for posting this it’s made me all the more determined to carry on and defintely try to get my blog published xxx

  10. Lucinda says:

    more tears here too – what a poweful bit of writing Emma you do have a great talent there dont let it go to waste will you? I could not read it when it came out as we have just done the anniversary of the death of Fred who was between our two, I always hate this time even after 10 years ……… but you have really made me think in a good way, thank you.
    Love to all your boys big and small
    XX

  11. Tasha says:

    This is the first of your blogs I have read Emma, speachless, so powerful and true all I want to do now is go and take my boys out of school and give them the biggest hug ever. I wish I could write like this such a talent you have, I will definitely be reading all your blogs from now on but with a box of tissues close by Tasha x (little chalk house)

  12. June says:

    You moved me to tears.
    Tears are never far away these days, my son is fighting in Afghanistan.

    He’s a man now, a husband and a Dad……but still my boy.

    I haven’t read any of your blogs before, I stumbled upon you by accident, I WILL be back for more,

    Thankyou for sharing your incredible gift

  13. Amanda Fouracre says:

    I love this its just so beautiful, tissues please XXxx

  14. jane Wall says:

    wow Emma that must be one of the most amazing pieces of writing I have ever read. I loged into your blog as I noticed you were a mom doing simiar things to me,only I have only just started and am nowhere near as talented. My boys are aged 3,4,10 and 13 and my little girl is 8 next week! They are the most amazing things I have ever done and I am so proud to be their mom ( or step-mom to the eldest,although Im the only mom he has right now). You are a truly inspirational woman and you really should think of getting your writing published,its beautiful. Thank you for reminding me of all the things we sometimes forget and hears to many more amazing moments with those very precious children.

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