One day I will sit you down and tell you just how amazing you are and you will accept this, not blush this time and we will just hug. It’ll be one of those hugs where I will breathe every ounce of you and try to lock away the smell and feelings so when you are gone I will have memories. You are amazing and I loved you first.
Our journey wasn’t an easy one. It was difficult but I tried, oh God how I tried. I was broken and I couldn’t give my all to you. I stood in the doorway wanting to go to you but I couldn’t and I know I will never get the chance to go back, to do things differently, to walk across the room and show you how much I loved you. To look you in the eye was painful and I am crying as I write this even now. You are wonderful and I loved you first.
I remember the exact moment when I first loved you and I treasure that. It was like a rush of warmth to my heart and it was then that I became the lioness. I would have fought to the death for you and bear many battle scars now from all the times I have pushed myself forward for you, to fight your corner; to make you heard. You are beautiful and I loved you first.
We will grow together and I will see the man you will become. Your shoulders will be strong and I will be proud. You will make your way in the world and, perhaps, leave me behind but there will always be a home for you with me no matter how distant your boyhood seems. Time will accelerate for me and I will reminisce but you will humour me and sometimes, just sometimes I will still catch glimpse of the boy you once were. You will have changed beyond recognition but I will still have loved you first.
But you will slip away from me to another just as it should be. I will be in the shadows and they will be in your spotlight. Your heart will be broken and I, the lioness, will protect you but you will find that someone who lights your heart, makes you feel complete, makes you love. They must take the stage with you and you will plan your lives. Many will love you, you are magnificent but I loved you first.
I can claim the right as the selfish mother to love you first but I have to let go. I will help you over the coming years to become the man you will be and I will claim that as my greatest achievement. Your eyes, the deepest brown will look out onto the world with enthusiasm ready to start your journey. You say now you’ll never leave me and I soothingly say that you will and that you should and you won’t be able to wait to get started but you just can’t see that now.
I hope to see you as a father with you happy and settled with your partner and perhaps, I will see your little one and rush to them as I didn’t to you. I will look deep into their eyes and search for you; will I see the baby I once had? I will rock them, sooth them and sing to them as I never did with you. I will hand them back to their mother who will look at them with longing, satisfied eyes and see I will now that I will have done my job.
You are my son. There is no way to measure the enormity of my love it is shown in many different ways. In clean clothes, in new shoes, in glances back at the school gate when you see me and smile. In hugs where I feel lost in you and I never want to let go. When will that final cuddle be? Will I know it? Will you..?
I loved you first but not the longest and I will not love you last. But I still have tomorrow and the sun will shine and I will hear your laughter and you will run into the house from the garden like the whirlwind you are and your echo will live on for many years after you’ve left. If I walk round the corner quickly, I may just catch you there as the shadows dance in the evening light. Always remember my beautiful I loved you first…