I cry a lot when I write…

I’ve always written. Whether it’s a diary entry as a Victorian girl in primary school that was read out to the class or poetry that was taken by an overenthusiastic English teacher (to show other English teachers) in secondary school writing has always been part of my life. I’ve written songs that a music teacher loved and wanted me to write more (I didn’t) and now I write a blog. I try to write every week and post something which I generally do but sometimes writing takes a lot out of me…

I’m lucky that when I have an idea of a blog to write all I need to do is think about it for a couple of days and then I sit at the computer and it just pours out of me through my fingers pushing the letters and it appears on the screen in front of me. I very rarely re-write any of it as it more often than not, writes itself. I call Hubbie in and read it aloud to him just before I publish it and this reading aloud really sorts out the spelling and grammar though I do miss bits! Hubbie is my tester, the one who says whether it’s any good or not and if he doesn’t like it I do go back and tweak.

Writing helps us and it always has. When I was ill with depression I was asked to write my feelings and thoughts down in order that I could try to make sense of them, or at least get them out of my head. I used this as a way of letting Hubbie know things I just couldn’t talk about and he sometimes wrote back to me. Writing saved me as through the book I could see the scribbling’s were more coherent, the angry underlining’s got less as the black lead became grey again and I could see my mind getting better. Proper sentences appeared and then one day I stopped. I didn’t need to write so much as I could talk about things so the book was burned and that vague ceremony had me breathing slowly out as the smoke and my words went up towards the sky.

I need to write. It’s not something that seems to go away in my life and now more than ever I write. I use my computer so my spelling is better as I can type faster than I can write and this really helps with the flow of ideas. I wear my heart on my sleeve I’ve been told many times so writing is perfect for those over emotional experiences that I need to get out of my head but not necessarily burden anyone else with. I write about so many different things. I talk about my family, my children, my home and I also have a few blogs where I share ideas for things to make with children. I’m careful to make sure that nothing about the children appears on the web that I wouldn’t be happy about reading myself and I use Hubbie as a guide to see if what I’ve written is okay. He’s never said no but I would respect his decision if he did…

Writing take a lot out of me as the personal nature of the subjects I cover can sometimes be hard to think about. I’ve written about wanting another baby, having deep (and dark) depression, marriage wobbles and the struggles with my children. I believe I try to be honest and if this honesty helps just one person’s day go just that little bit better than I’ve done my job. I get lots of emails from readers who identify with what I’ve written and thank me for writing just how they feel and I’ve even had a mum show a blog I’ve written to her 18 year old son as she couldn’t tell him how she felt but my blog said it all for her. This makes me smile and it also makes me proud.

I don’t use fancy vocabulary, I know there are spelling and grammar mistakes but I do write from the heart. How I feel at the time I write shows on the screen. I cry because re-reading puts me right back to the situation and sometimes that’s very painful. Don’t get me wrong I laugh a lot too and I’m lucky that by writing as I do I am creating a record of my children’s lives and our family life as we live it. I’m explaining why I am the way I am, telling my boys how I tried (oh how I tried) to be a better mum even though I made lots of mistakes along the way. I hope this record will be there on my blog for them to read whenever they are ready and I hope they laugh and smile with me just I did writing it.

I write because I can and I can (get through the day) because I write and judging by the reaction I get when I write, I’m going to keep on doing it…


About littlewhitecottage

Emma is a qualified teacher with 14 years of teaching in many different settings. From teaching adults and children at a music school to choosing to work in a demanding primary school that was failing (which meant moving from an outstanding school – her colleagues were aghast!) to running her own sewing business for the last 5 ½ years teaching all ages how to sew: Emma loves to teach.
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One Response to I cry a lot when I write…

  1. Sofie says:

    This is wonderful, i’m so pleased you get such a release from writing! The way you write is wonderful too- so emotionally engaging, something i’ve always felt is sort of the crux of any art form. Please don’t ever stop! x

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