Wherever you will go…


So lately, been wondering
Who will be there to take my place
When I’m gone, you’ll need love
To light the shadows on your face

If a greater wave shall fall
And fall upon us all
Then between the sand and stone
Could you make it on your own?

If I could, then I would
I’ll go wherever you will go
Way up high or down low
I’ll go wherever you will go

And maybe I’ll find out
A way to make it back someday
To watch you, to guide you
Through the darkest of your days

If a great wave shall fall
And fall upon us all
Well then I hope there’s someone out there
Who can bring me back to you

If I could, then I would
I’ll go wherever you will go
Way up high or down low
I’ll go wherever you will go

Run away with my heart
Run away with my hope
Run away with my love

I know now, just quite how
My life and love might still go on
In your heart, in your mind
I’ll stay with you for all of time

If I could, then I would
I’ll go wherever you will go
Way up high or down low
I’ll go wherever you will go

If I could turn back time
I’ll go wherever you will go
If I could make you mine
I’ll go wherever you will go
I’ll go wherever you will go

Listen to the song click here

I was listening to this song whilst sat at the kitchen table having lunch with hubbie and the boys. I love it as the lyrics are so gentle as is the melody but I’d never paid particular attention to them I just knew I like it and Hubbie turned it up louder because he knew I did. Ollie got off the bench and stretched out his arms to me and just as I tried to take them he slipped backwards away from me all the while keeping eye contact and I just got the feeling of him leaving me so suddenly. It was so painful a feeling that I had to stop myself from crying. My thoughts had run away with me by that point and I knew this could be played at his wedding many years later and he would dance with me and slip away from me to his new life just as the lyrics ‘Run away with my heart, run away with my love’ said…

For that moment I envisaged myself being the first part of this song ‘Who will be there to take my place, when I’m gone you’ll need to love, to take the shadows on your face’ and the next part ‘If a greater wave shall fall, and fall upon us all, then between the sand and stone, could you make it on your own?’ A new mother’s worry for their newborn child. All mothers realise in that instant their immortality that’s never really been thought of before and to think that one day we will leave them rips at our hearts. We learn to live with this and it does get easier…

As mothers we want to be there always and wrap our children up in our cloak of love to keep all the bad things away but we can’t and we have to let them go ‘wherever {they} will go’ however hard and painful that may be. ‘If I could, I would, go wherever he may go’ just so I could protect him and this part of the song filled me with such protective love that crying seemed the very least I could do. ‘And maybe I’ll find out, a way to make it back someday’ hopefully he’ll think of me in those dark moments, of all my love and he’ll feel my cloak around him and he’ll hug himself tighter knowing it really will be okay…

But then the song changes for me and I no longer see myself part of it. I hear a younger voice singing to him ‘If I could, then I would, I’ll go wherever you will go, Way up high or down low, I’ll go wherever you will go’ and she’ll carry on with the lines ‘run away with my heart, run away with my hope, run away with my love’ but this time he’ll hear a different meaning; the meaning of a wife rather than a mother and it will change him into a man.

I see the next verse as my last one ‘I know now, just quite how, My life and love might still go on, In your heart, in your mind, I’ll stay with you for all of time’ this is my acceptance that his life will go on past mine but he will still know my love by his memories of me and his actions, however unconscious, that mirror me. His wife has the rest of the song and I see myself floating away…

I know he won’t be at the kitchen table forever, boogieing with the latest bands as we all eat our lunch. I won’t always feel his arms slip round me to have a quick reassurance cuddle and when I turn I see him skip off to another moment his need having passed. It took me a while to fall for him but now I have, how do I face letting him go?

Tomorrow is another day and I’ll be busy with the school run and thoughts of the future will be far away in the distance. I’ll have washing up and cleaning and he’ll be at school and it probably won’t be for many months that I think of this again. Each time I do I know it will be easier as the first realization that the Sunday lunches at the kitchen table won’t last forever wont’ be as painful. I am imaging the future before we’ve lived the present and as each year passes and he grows that bit more I know I will be ready for him to leave. I just want him to know ‘in your heart, in your mind, I’ll be with you for all of time…’

This morning, after a night’s sleep, I can see that yesterday I was seeing him leave as an 8 year old boy and that’s, I think, what upset me the most. He still needs me and I can’t ever imagine my beautiful 8 year old becoming a man. It will creep up slowly on us both and I don’t think we’ll really notice the passing of time and the growing out of the clothes into new ones. By then I will be ready as the man who towers over me (it’s inevitable I know!) with his smooth skin long gone and his voice a new one of the future -his other one being a memory – will leave with my love. I will be ready for him to go and this is how it should be as I will always be a part of him so I’ll ‘stay with [him] for all of time…’

And I shouldn’t worry because he will come back…


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About littlewhitecottage

Emma is a qualified teacher with 14 years of teaching in many different settings. From teaching adults and children at a music school to choosing to work in a demanding primary school that was failing (which meant moving from an outstanding school – her colleagues were aghast!) to running her own sewing business for the last 5 ½ years teaching all ages how to sew: Emma loves to teach.
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